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KPIX 5 News at 11pm

News News/Business. Ken Bastida and Elizabeth Cook. New.




San Francisco, CA, USA

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Channel 109 (705 MHz)






Ted 6, Marshall 6, Jerry 5, Kramer 5, Elaine 4, Kenny 4, Robin 4, Kenny Rogers 3, Rogers 3, Waterpik 2, Barney 2, Ipswich 2, Ha Ha Ha 2, Japan 2, George Costanza 2, Bob Saccamano 2, Mennen 2, Bye 2, Seth 2, Aunt Lily 1,
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  CBS    KPIX 5 News at 11pm    News  News/Business. Ken  
   Bastida and Elizabeth Cook. New.  

    March 22, 2013
    11:00 - 11:35pm PDT  

good. as a matter of fact, i almost had my own show in japan. you speak japanese? no. so, you would've done it in japan but in english? i don't know. so what's this job of yours? big investment firm. hmm. we just got the citibank account. in fact, today was our first big meeting with them. the meeting you blew off? yeah. wasn't that kind of important?
yeah. and i bought a whole new set of cookware and a waterpik. you use a waterpik? sure. waterpik, floss, plax, brush, listerine. so, you go in the bathroom 11:00. you're in bed by what, 2:00? at the latest. oh, hang on a second. i got another call. hello? good day miss benes. it's roger ipswich. oh. hey, how things doin' in accounting? i notice you've been charging quite a bit of merchandise on the peterman account. well, i am the president. yes, and we're all very impressed. nevertheless the expense account is for business purposes only. well isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want? no. i'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. good day. good day.
hello? anybody. whoo. hey. hey. why didn't you get the big one? this hat just bottles in the heat. i don't even need a coat. it's unbelievable. i don't believe it. i got a date with the saleswoman. she got a little marisa tomei thing goin' on. ahh. too bad you got a little george costanza thing goin' on. i'm goin' out with her tomorrow. she said she had some errands to run. that's a date? what's the difference? you know the way i work. i'm like a commercial jingle. at first, it's a little irritating. then you hear it a few times, you're hummin' it in the shower. by the third date, it's--♪ by mennen ♪ how do you make sure you're gonna get to the third date? if there's any doubt i do a leave-behind-- keys, gloves, scarf. i go back to her place to pick it up-- pfft--date number 2. that is so old. why don't you just show up at her house in a wooden horse?
♪ by mennen ♪ what the-- what's goin' on in there? what? that light. oh, the red. yeah, it's the chicken roaster sign. it's right across from my window. can't ya shut the shades? they are shut. by the way your friend seth-- he stopped by. what did he have to say? he was fired. as you can see the comforter i expensed is actually the aristotle goosedown tunic. ha ha. what do you think? another bull's-eye. hmm. well, mr. ipswich since every one of my expenses was obviously for a legitimate business purpose... i just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday.
the hat? why do you need to see the hat? it cost $8,000. what? ooh. ooh. if you knew the meeting was so important why did you go to lunch with me? we're old college buddies. i only knew ya through moochie. hey, jerry don't worry about it all right? the important thing is we got a chance to catch up. mind if i grab the want ads? actually, i haven't read tank mcnamara yet. how's life on the red planet? it's killin' me. i can't eat. i can't sleep. all i can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken. did you go down to the kenny rogers and complain? oh, they gave me the heave-ho. i don't think that kenny rogers has any idea what's goin' on down there. what are you doin'? having some cereal.
that's tomato juice. that looked like milk to me. jerry, my rods and cones are all screwed up. all right, that's it. i gotta move in with you jerry. i don't know, kramer. uh... my concern is that... living together, after a while, we... might start to get on each other's nerves a little. i got a great idea. you're a heavy sleeper right? why don't we just switch apartments? or i could sleep in the park. you could knock these walls down make it an 8-room luxury suite. jerry, these are load-bearing walls. they're not gonna come down. yeah, that's no good. i may have to drive that place out of business. how you gonna do that? like we did in the sixties. takin' it to the streets.
aah! thanks, george but i got it from here. oh, no. i'm in already. come on. so, uh, you wanna get together tomorrow? no. i'm gonna be pretty busy. what about this weekend? i'm gonna be busy for awhile. ok, uh...see ya. hey. you forgot your keys. th-those aren't my keys. they're not mine. oh. ha. they are my keys. how weird. [telephone rings] good-bye, george. yeah, bye. george, bye. hello? you are not gonna believe the date i just had. ♪ co-stanza ♪ what do you mean you don't have the hat? left it at heather's. are these alive? no, dead.
george, i need that russian hat back. all right. i'll call heather. you'll get your hat back. i will get a second date. ha ha ha. now, watch the magic. dial 9, merlin. hello? heather, hi. it's george costanza. oy. listen, i don't mean to bother you, but, uh silly me. i think i may have left my hat in your apartment, so i thought i'd just come by later and pick it up. you didn't leave a hat here. i'm pretty sure i left it behind the cushion of the chair... accidentally. nope, no hat. george i've gotta go. maybe i'll just come-- um, um--hey. hey. seth? jerry, hi. what do you think? i think you're takin' the trash out for this chicken place but that couldn't be.
yeah. i'm the new manager. you were an executive. this is fast food. not fast food, good food quickly. next time, lunch'll be on me, huh, jer? hey, stay away from the chicken!! bad! bad chicken!! mess you up!! that's not gonna be good for business. kramer: hey! that's not gonna be good for anybody. wow, 10 days of allergy relief. i'm still claritin clear ! i've been claritin clear for 12 days ! when your allergies start, doctors recommend taking one clinically-proven claritin every day during your allergy season for continuous relief. 18 days ! 17 days ! i'm still claritin clear ! 22 days of continuous relief. live claritin clear. every day. take the claritin clear challenge: get continuous non-drowsy allergy relief or your money back. go to for details.
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jerry, i'm so glad we switched apartments. it was the perfect solution. look, kramer if i'm gonna live over there you gotta take some of this stuff out. i mean this thing is really freakin' me out. i feel like it's gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me. mr. marbles? he's harmless. and one other thing. i don't want newman usin' my-- oh, no. nice place you got here kramer. a man can really get some thinking done. don't get to comfortable. as soon as seth gets a real job
you two are goin' back in that chicken supernova. what is that rogers' chicken? get that out of here. i don't know. the man makes a pretty strong bird. what is that, hickory? yeah. it's the wood that makes it good. really? uh-huh. gimme that. grrr. oh, stop it. what's the matter with you? [knock on door] can i help you? yeah. i'm elaine benes. we met at barney's. i'm a friend of george costanza's. ow. hi. whether you're aware of it or not george had this pathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could try and weasel a second date. really? i know. he has a real confidence problem. well, not really--
george. anyway, i know you told him that you didn't have the hat because you didn't wanna see him again, and...more sympathetic i could not be... but i really do need to have the hat back. i don't know what to tell you but there's no hat here. maybe the maid took it. i had people over, but-- that makes sense. then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around? be my guest. good to see ya again. she's bluffing. she's got it stashed away in there somewhere. this is an absolute disaster. oh, i don't know. check this out. you stole her clock? well done. yep, this is one for our side.
[bed creaks] [thinking] what is that creaking? it's like i'm in the hold of a ship. i gotta relax. [creaking] hello? is somebody there? [wood creaks] m-mr. marbles? so i told ipswich i'd have the hat by this afternoon. what am i gonna do? you should sleep with him. hi, buddy. i'm on no sleep, no sleep. you don't know what it's like in there. all night long, things are creakin' and crackin', and that red light is burnin' my brain. you look a little stressed. oh, i'm stressed.
what am i supposed to do? if i don't have that fur hat by 4:00, they're gonna take me down like nixon. you know my friend bob saccamano? i thought he was kramer's friend. he called last night about 3 a.m. and we got to talkin'. he sells russian hats down at battery park. 40 bucks. 40 bucks? are they sable? no, but the difference is negligible. oh, yeah i like this idea. all right, let's give it a shot. let's go. giddy-up. it's gettin' cold. it's gettin' cold. that was a close one. why do we have to keep this from jerry? because if jerry finds out i'm hooked on rogers' chicken i'm back in there with the red menace. the hat you charged to the company was sable. this is nutria. well, that's, uh... a kind of sable. no, it's a kind of rat.
that's a rat hat? and a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. i have no choice but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors. nothing short of the approval of peterman himself will save you this time. but--but he's in the burmese jungle. and quite mad, too from what i hear. wait a minute. wait a minute. can i fire you? no. so heather called. yeah, but get this. the message said "call me if you have the time." [snickers] if i have the time. you get it? no, but this is all very exciting. she knows that i have her clock. i know that she has my hat. i think she's gettin' ready to make an exchange. there is the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind. i've looked at that. it seems unlikely. i'd look again.
how come you didn't call jerry about all this? i can't talk to jerry anymore. ever since he moved into that apartment, he's too much... like you. hmm. that's a shame. seth, you're the manager. can't ya turn off that sign? jerry, i lied. i'm just an assistant manager. number 67. family feast. number 67!! right here. right here. hello, newman. hello, jerry. and don't forget your steamed broccoli. hold it. broccoli? you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce. i love...broccoli. it's...good for you. really? then maybe you'd like to have a piece? gladly.
vile weed! it's for kramer, isn't it? i knew it. the greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers. he's hooked on the chicken isn't he? yes! yes! now, please, someone, honey mustard! [coughs] newman, what took you-- hey, buddy. expecting newman? that's funny because i just happened upon him down at the kenny rogers roasters. kenny rogers. whew i hate that place. he was buying quite a load of chicken, almost enough for 2 people as long as one of them's not him. ha ha ha ha. hey, elaine-- she stopped by. dropped off that bob saccamano hat. oh, she's upset with him. yes, siree. yeah, well, thanks for stoppin' by. i sure do miss my apartment. maybe i'll switch back. you don't wanna think about that.
no, sir. otherwise i'd have no choice but to put that banner back up, and, uh, run that rogers right out of town. i don't think you will. as a matter of fact, i'll save ya the trouble. i'll do it myself. yeah, go ahead. put the banner up. doesn't matter to me. no, jerry! i need that chicken! i gotta have that chicken!! now you leave those roasters alone! kenny never hurt anybody! you got a little problem. i got a big problem, jerry. here. kneel here. what? kneel. kneel? elaine. mr. peterman. jappa! mouglas mon jabba outa goula hongai. you speak burmese?
no, elaine. that was gibberish. so, did you have any trouble finding the place? no. you're the only... white poet warlord in the neighborhood. ha ha ha. are you an assassin? i--i work for your mail-order catalog. you're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill. well, actually, um i do have a bill here. if you could just sign this expense form, i think i can still make the last fan boat out of here. i'd be happy to, elaine. ah, here you go. but i will have to see this hat. right. so how do you wanna do this? all right, george, i'll be honest.
the first time we went out i found you very irritating, but after seeing you a couple of times, you sort of got stuck in my head. ♪ co-stanza ♪ so you--you really don't have my hat? what? um...let's go do somethin'. what's in the bag? oh, that's-- that's a sandwich. [alarm rings] uh... damn salami. my clock. ya stole it? that damn delicatessen. that is the last time they screw up one of my orders. ahh. hey, seth. man, it is comin' down hard out there. ah. gross. that's not gonna be good for business. that's not gonna be good for anybody.
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mr. marbles? this is the urban sombrero. i put it on the last catalog cover. the horror. the horror.
narrator: kids, there are two big
days in any love story: the day you meet the girl of your dreams, and the day you marry her. ♪ ♪ nice. where'd you get this? stashed a cooler behind the pulpit. beer be with you. and also with you. (chuckles) mmm. man, this is what church has been missing. dude, you fixed church. yeah. you're welcome, god. (laughs) nervous? what? no. i'm just hoping it doesn't rain. why? do i look nervous? look at your beer, dude. you always do that when you're nervous. it's a sad day in new york, ted. a sad day, indeed. do you know what i saw on my way in here? a girl... in a sweater. and you know what that means.
the season of exposed skin is over. exactly. gone are the tank tops, ted. gone are the cute little skirts. gone are the sun dresses. the sun dresses, ted! i don't think i can make it another eight months with no sun dresses. barney, i really... i have to grade these papers. i'm sorry. i'll let you work. but first, a riddle: what piece of women's attire most stokes a man's desire? a sun dress. correct. what lightweight outfit, pink or white, makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight? i really have to get this done. of course, of course. thank you. "sun dress," by the way. h-hey. what are you nervous about? tell me. tell me. tell me. what flowing cotton frock-- okay, i'll tell you. just... there's a... there's a girl sitting at the bar. oh. don't look! (whining): i want to see a pretty girl.
okay, you can look. just-just-just be cool for once. i'll be cool. ah, ted. you got your beer label in a bunch over nothing. listen to your uncle barney. you have no reason to be nervous. none whatsoever. and i'm going to tell you why in one word. and what's that word? dibs! what-- you can't call dibs on a girl i've been sitting here thinking about maybe talking to eventually at some point. you never called dibs. dibs were implied. implied dibs? yeah. ted, you are spitting on the grave of sir walter dibs inventor of the dib. it was 1652... barney: the ss dibs was lost at sea... look, i don't have time for a fake history lesson, so i'll keep this simple. you go over there and talk to that girl, i will see you in court.
and who's gonna represent you? dibs on marshall as my lawyer! damn it. (laughs) where is marshall anyway? narrator: uncle marshall and aunt lily had recently decided to take a swing at starting a family. tonight was their first at-bat. okay, uh i'm almost ready to leave. let's just go through the checklist. candles? check. music to set the mood? (romantic music plays) check. music for when we're actually doing it? (banjo music plays) check. you know what? to hell with your dibs. i'm going over there right now and talking to her. oh, yeah, yeah? be my guest. fall in love with her. get married. just know this: when i step up to make my toast as your best man... actually, marshall would probably be... as your best man... ladies and gentlemen... i... had dibs. no! what? tell me this isn't true. i-i had implied dibs. oh! you know you've humiliated me! i had no idea. you have to know that.
shh, shh. you're the victim here. we both are. let's get out of here. or, you know, we could just do it right here. we could just do it right here. (bride gasps, both moaning) fine. have at it. exercise your dibs. she's got her shields up anyway. she's reading a book. yeah. at a bar. that book might as well be called, are you there, barney? it's me, horny. that is not what "shields up" looks like. that is what "shields up" looks like. move. god! hey. 'sup, dudes? fries? oh, good god, woman. you're a disgrace. no fries for this guy. (snorts) robin, seriously, i love you, but it's like you have squiggly cartoon odor lines coming off of you right now. you know what, barney? just cut her some slack, okay? she just went through a breakup. with hygiene? no, with don.
a few months earlier... here, have some tea. thanks. robin, i am here for you. whatever you need. okay, um, about that. ted, listen. i know myself pretty well. and, um, some time over the next few months i'm going to want to sleep with you. and when that happens, you have to try to say no. try? i will absolutely say no. our friendship is too important. (chuckles): oh. okay, you know maybe i wasn't clear enough. um... i will come at you with everything i've got. i will stalk you like the lioness stalks the gazelle: careful, patient, deadly. and if you let your guard down for so much as a second, as sure as you were born i will hump your brains out. (robin sobbing) okay, i'm ready to have sex now.
it was a tough summer, but i think our girl's been a real trooper. she's... is this a cheeto? no, we ran out of cheetos last week. oh, yeah it's a cheeto. dibs. oh, you're exquisite. you must let me paint you. hey robin, what do you think? the girl sitting at the bar. shields up? mmm, totes, toots. she's here on a date. she brought the book because she got here early and she also wants to impress the guy she's meeting. girls like to come across all classy and smart, you know? this? what you're doing right now? i'm getting a "de-rection." hey! how'd it go? you pregnant yet? nope! okay, so, here's what happened. i was at home, waiting for marshall. hey! how was your day? don't answer. no time. um, bedroom. no, no. no time. floor. no, no time. against this wall! marshall, whoa! wait. a big package just arrived. yeah, it did.